100,000 Times a Day Yellow Lights Turn Red

Sometimes you are left in the dark counting all your struggles and sins. You wonder why your heart is numb and how you are going to hold things together for much longer. Jobs, bills, stress......life.

Yellow to red 100,000 times a day. The green light won't stay green for long. You have to figure out if you are going to go for it and force something that could cause you more altercation, or stop and wait. I have not wanted to stop and wait around. I want things to happen, whether they are God's will or my own. I want something, anything, to happen. I just want the light to turn green and stay green! I never considered that what I do while I wait matters.

Every time I see the light ahead in the distance, green and bright and full of excitement and possibilities, it turns yellow. Then red. I am stuck waiting for the next green light; which, ultimately, leads me to another yellow, then the inevitable red one.

I have a friend in pretty much the same circumstance, and I she understands that while we have time to pray, and thank, and do, instead we sit, and watch, and  grumble.

Even though I do, God may not think I'm ready. And  maybe, just maybe, if I change my perspective and start being productive, the light will stay green and I can move on to the next phase. And so can you.

Sweet disposition; wreckless abandon.

You know that scene in so many movies where the guy (or girl) tries to get the opposite character to let loose and scream at the top of their lungs? Somedays I just feel like doing that; to see if it really works or if it's just a tactic used so the characters appear to be developing this closer relationship. Anyway, today I decided to do it. I screamed and yelled, and felt better.
I found that I had the same reaction that the characters in the movies do. Relieved. Relieved and ready to move on. On to the next.

My new goal in renewing my mind and spirit and becoming a better person is to just let go. Let go of things that don't matter and move on. I have found that guys, my guy particularly, are ridiculously good at this. I, on the other hand, will hold onto and dwell on any small irrelevant piece of drama I can; letting it form into such a strong bitterness inside of me that I become a completely different person. Letting my judgments of others get the best of me and keep me from fulfilling whatever my purpose is.

I want to be free from this burden that I embed in my own heart and let have complete dominion over my mind. I want to wrecklessly abandon my own disposition and live in a sweeter one. I am an indentured servant to my thoughts, and all I have to do is scream out and let it go. Move on. Love people.

Sittin, Waitin, Watchin.

If patience is a virtue, you can consider me....well..... whatever the antonym of virtuous is. I don't like to sit, I don't like to wait, and I definitely don't like to watch. But for some reason God has had me doing this for a considerably long time, the only lesson I can conclude he is trying to teach me is, patience.

When you watch one door after another slam so close to your face it grazes your nose, how are you supposed to have faith? Well..........easily. I am not destitute, I am not alone. I am better off than most of the world, and I have God to thank.

I look back now and realize that I pretty much wasted this period of waiting. I didn't use it to grow closer to God, I didn't use it to grow as a person, and I didn't use it to grow in knowledge or wisdom. Why is it that the majority of waiting periods have that outcome; especially when we know there is a purpose for it other than wasting time sittin, waitin, watchin?