100,000 Times a Day Yellow Lights Turn Red

Sometimes you are left in the dark counting all your struggles and sins. You wonder why your heart is numb and how you are going to hold things together for much longer. Jobs, bills, stress......life.

Yellow to red 100,000 times a day. The green light won't stay green for long. You have to figure out if you are going to go for it and force something that could cause you more altercation, or stop and wait. I have not wanted to stop and wait around. I want things to happen, whether they are God's will or my own. I want something, anything, to happen. I just want the light to turn green and stay green! I never considered that what I do while I wait matters.

Every time I see the light ahead in the distance, green and bright and full of excitement and possibilities, it turns yellow. Then red. I am stuck waiting for the next green light; which, ultimately, leads me to another yellow, then the inevitable red one.

I have a friend in pretty much the same circumstance, and I she understands that while we have time to pray, and thank, and do, instead we sit, and watch, and  grumble.

Even though I do, God may not think I'm ready. And  maybe, just maybe, if I change my perspective and start being productive, the light will stay green and I can move on to the next phase. And so can you.

Sweet disposition; wreckless abandon.

You know that scene in so many movies where the guy (or girl) tries to get the opposite character to let loose and scream at the top of their lungs? Somedays I just feel like doing that; to see if it really works or if it's just a tactic used so the characters appear to be developing this closer relationship. Anyway, today I decided to do it. I screamed and yelled, and felt better.
I found that I had the same reaction that the characters in the movies do. Relieved. Relieved and ready to move on. On to the next.

My new goal in renewing my mind and spirit and becoming a better person is to just let go. Let go of things that don't matter and move on. I have found that guys, my guy particularly, are ridiculously good at this. I, on the other hand, will hold onto and dwell on any small irrelevant piece of drama I can; letting it form into such a strong bitterness inside of me that I become a completely different person. Letting my judgments of others get the best of me and keep me from fulfilling whatever my purpose is.

I want to be free from this burden that I embed in my own heart and let have complete dominion over my mind. I want to wrecklessly abandon my own disposition and live in a sweeter one. I am an indentured servant to my thoughts, and all I have to do is scream out and let it go. Move on. Love people.

Sittin, Waitin, Watchin.

If patience is a virtue, you can consider me....well..... whatever the antonym of virtuous is. I don't like to sit, I don't like to wait, and I definitely don't like to watch. But for some reason God has had me doing this for a considerably long time, the only lesson I can conclude he is trying to teach me is, patience.

When you watch one door after another slam so close to your face it grazes your nose, how are you supposed to have faith? Well..........easily. I am not destitute, I am not alone. I am better off than most of the world, and I have God to thank.

I look back now and realize that I pretty much wasted this period of waiting. I didn't use it to grow closer to God, I didn't use it to grow as a person, and I didn't use it to grow in knowledge or wisdom. Why is it that the majority of waiting periods have that outcome; especially when we know there is a purpose for it other than wasting time sittin, waitin, watchin?

My Future= Coffee and Books!

       When you type "coffee shop" into any search engine, a relatively similar defintion appears as a result. "A small, informal restaurant where coffee and other light refreshments are served, especially one where people gather for conversation, games, or musical entertainment".

        When you do the same for the word "book"; the result is "a bound collection of printed pages, a published work of literature, science, and reference."

       Since college this has been a dream of mine. To combine the two; books and coffee, and create a cozy and cool ambiance, and of course serve the best coffee and specialty drinks ever!

      But there is one thing, I want to use this as a ministry. I want to employ those in need and hold Bible studies and outreaches there. I want to be used and have an impact on others there.

      I will make this dream come true. Where and when I will do this, I do not know, but until then I will plan and write about it. Walt Disney wisely wrote, "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." I can't wait to start pursuing mine.

       

       

Fashion Week Fav

Pic by NY post

          My favorite look from the week has to be by Marc Jacobs. Very retro, 60s vibe; super cute and actually wearable for the average person. It baffles me that some of the designs that come down the runway are worn by a human being, in public. I guess that's art though. People may not understand your creativity or inspiration, but you create it anyway, hoping that eventually they will.
         
        

My Feet Won't Touch the Ground

     What do you do when you feel like your feet won't touch the ground? When you can't wait until the morning? People are moving so fast all around me, but I want to be the one moving. I've really got none, but I feel like I have so many problems. And it's all because of one. My feet are firmly cemented in the ground, while my mind is busy traveling the world.
     It seems like God always has me in these periods of waiting.......and waiting..... and yeah, still waiting. Meanwhile, I have not the slightest idea of what exactly I am waiting for. It seems like such a waste of time. What;'s a girl to do during this lull? How do you make it worthwhile?

Oh to the Poe

             Baltimore native, Edgar Allen Poe, had an imagination almost incomparable to any other. He took pen to paper and came up with stories of murder, mystery, and madmen. Even as an adult (although sometimes hindered by alcohol consumption) he had the imagination of a child.
          As I age its becoming harder to find my imagination. There was once a time when I could have been equally comparable to Poe, well almost. Where has my mind gone? I can look over my shoulder and see it miles behind me down the road as I keep walking further and further away.
          I think it might be time to make a U-turn (perfectly legal in Maryland). I need my imagination back before life is boring and my mind is stagnant. I need to hear a heart beating in the floor and have a raven constantly looming over my head. I need that excitement and intrigue or I will begin sleepwalking through life down a one way street where U-turns are illegal.

Philosphers and Gentlemen

     Fireside Poet John Greenleaf Whittier said: "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been." As an ardent advocate of the abolition of slavery, I can imagine him as he penned this statement, invisioning the day that slaves will be free and the Civil War concluded. He may just have been sitting at his desk jotting down quotes with no sentimental value, for the sole purpose of us reading them in the future thinking how wise they are. Whatever he was doing or thinking about when he wrote it, it has impacted me this day in 2011. I would hate to look back at my life and think "it might have been".
     For his 70th birthday, Whittier had a dinner party which included some of the most talented authors and philosophers in the world, such as Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Mark Twain, Oliver Wendell Holmes, and James Russell Lowell. Though the party may have been somewhat lame, and the conversation a bit over my head, I would love to have joined the party and asked them how to prevent "might have beens", "could have beens", "should have beens", and "would have beens"; and how to live without regret.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

    This day (August 4) in history, Anne Frank and her family were captured by Gestapo (1944), Lizzie Borden "took an axe" (1892), slain civil rights workers were found in Mississippi (1964), General Custer and the seventh calvary were attacked by Indians (1873), and I am sure the list could go on and on.
     The significance of these events probably don't mean much to some of us, but to those who were there, they meant history.
     I found a very motivating quote today, that in some ways contradicted the list of historical events listed above. "History will be kind to me for I intend to make it" (Winston Churchill). Some of these names and events will be recalled in our history books or on tv specials occassionally, but was history "kind" to them?
    "Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her father 40 wacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her mother 41." Yes, Lizzie Borden made history to the extent that a little jingle was written about her.         "Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!" (Anne Frank). Anne's innocence, spirit, and deplorable death that we read about in high school will be impressed in our minds.
      Though one was the victim and the other the culprit, both made history.
      What kind of history am I going to make? Hopefully not one that involves using an axe. Probably not one that will be read in any ones textbook.  Prayerfully, one that leaves an inheritance and legacy to my children and maybe their children.

A NOTE TO MY FUTURE DAUGHTER.........

     To my future daughter....if I have one in the FAR FAR away future (the likelihood of this when looking at the track record of the Brindley men being very slim), may you be more absorbed with the kind of person God made you than the kind of person society wishes you to be. May you be enveloped in self-confidence and blanketed in the strongest faith. Though I do not understand, as most women don't, why we are the way we are and why we think the way we think, may you overcome it. May you not be consumed with your outward appearance, but always desire to improve the inward.
And until then I will continue to ask myself:
     Why did God make us so vulnerable to the world around us? And why do people feel free to target our vulerability? They use it for marketing tools, advertising gimics, even in the political arena.
   Victoria's Secret, why are you putting in my husband's head that I am supposed to look like one of your models all the time....for the rest of my life?! Skinny jeans, how am I supposed to fit into you when I am bloated, and what about when I have a baby?! CoverGirl, why are my zits not still covered when I wake up in the morning?! Extreme diets and exercise plans why are your promises of results always a tall tale?!
      Well.......I don't think they care. I think they just want to SELL, SELL, SELL. While we, the poor, pathetic, self-conscious consumer has to BUY, BUY, BUY; despite the lack of satisfaction and the absense of results that we inherit from our purchases
     Today marks the beginning of beautifying the inside. Of healing my heart, and freeing my mind, of taking my focus off of myself, of feeling beautiful everyday (even without makeup), of being ME.

SUPERHEROES

         It's a bit overwhelming how heavy things can be to carry at times. And just when, "I thought it was already heavy as can be" (Iron and Wine, Waitin for Superman), it gets heavier.
        The idea of the superhero; someone stronger, braver, smarter, quicker gives us hope. Expectation in a weakened state, fortitude to persist. A SUPERHERO, a being created to aid and protect us through adversity and catastrophe, in turn, makes us fearless. The feeling of invincibility, like being bullet proof, after watching a superhero in action boosts our assurance and gives us an ora of credence.
         Unfortunately, sometimes heartbreak drives a faster car, dissapointment soars higher in the clouds, affliction blows through thicker walls. What do we do then, when something is too heavy to lift and even too heavy for our superheroes?....then reality checks in, and we are forced to remember Who the real superhero is and will always be. Because no car is made faster, there is nothing that can soar higher, and no creature stronger than Him.

TEARS

        Since I have gotten married, for some bizarre and inexplicable reason, unmitigated emotional upheavals have spawned tears, tears which seem to stream uncontrollably. I don't know if it is because of my newfound awareness with things of love and life, or if it is simply, well.....hormonal.

       In doing some research, purely out of curiosity, I discovered a little known, but somewhat comforting, quote from an unlikely source. Who would have thought that behind novels and short stories, very well-known to the common man, such as The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle, was a wise man with a wise diagnosis of the symbolic nature of our tears?

       I, myself, have always been one who refused to allow anyone to witness my own tears, considering them to be a display of weakness. I still have that apprehension even today. But after uncovering this obscure citation from Washington Irving (author of the aforementioned stories) I am slightly more dauntless in breaking down the dam and letting the waters flow. After reading this quote, you may be too:

                    "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness,
                    but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
                    They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."

STARBUCKS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!

      Addiction can be defined as: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice, or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

              I developed an atrocious, chronic habit in my college years; one from which I am now unfortunately “reaping” the repercussions. The continuing, nagging urge to satiate this dreaded desire is relentless; the invitation is still to this day difficult to decline.

              Every time I saw that dark green and white logo (the origin of the name emblazoned within is still a mystery to me) my heart would skip a beat, and even race as I reached those glass doors and gleefully entered, drifting to the counter where I would order a, "Tall White Chocolate Mocha with skim milk and whipped cream, please". (btw, the irony of “skim milk” and “whipped cream” does not escape me!)

         Though the $5 beverage would leave a dreaded void in a college student’s wallet, temporarily satisfying my “addiction” to the mixed espresso blend made it all invaluable and worthwhile to me at the time.

             Now, being married and fully apperceiving the financial position (or lack thereof!) of newlyweds, it has become quite challenging to break what had become a familiar indulgence. Driving by that sign and denying myself this customary pleasure has become exceedingly difficult. I wonder if it will ever subside?

GO HARD OR GO HOME!- A challenge from Shakespeare, Pocahontas, and Roosevelt!?

        My challenging quote for the week was penned by the wonderfully inspired William Shakespeare. "Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course".
               Most of us deem adversity to be a negative thing, something to be avoided if at all possible. Adversity can, however be a good thing. When Pocahontas came upon a fork in the river, she had to choose between the quiet and mild water, which would have required very little effort to navigate, and the wild, unpredictable rapids. She chose the latter, and to paraphrase Robert Frost, that made all the difference, for had she chosen otherwise, she would not have been rewarded with the life she desired.

        We have such decisions to make in our own lives; we can choose to be complacent and comfortable, to sit on the sidelines and be mere observers of life.  Or we can choose to accept these challenges, to exercise our gifts and stretch our God-given abilities and become stronger for it.

        So, when confronted with adverse situations, situations in which you may have no idea as to the end result, remember it does not have to be as intimidating and paralyzing as it may seem. Though initially it may appear to be a risky endeavor, embrace the challenge. Push through the barriers, real or imagined, which hinder you from reaching your goal; develop the fortitude to overcome the obstacles no matter how large or how unyielding they are. You yourself must determine not to yield, but take the advice of the wise men.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt

A SHOUT OUT TO MOM

I would like to take a minute to thank my mom. I was never the little girl who planned every detail of her own wedding or the one who dreamed about the way that day would be. It wasn't until I as actually engaged that I had to play catch up and start planning!


With the encouragement of my mother, I was able to ........be me. I was given the confidence to show my creativity and follow through with the millions of ideas that were overflowing in my head. Even when I got discouraged, she would reassure me that everything was going to be beautiful and people will see and understand it when it all comes together. She was right!


Thanks Mom, for making me be myself and using the wedding as a way of expression. I could not imagine a more perfect wedding for Bill or me....and I have my mom and Dad to thank.

AND THE REST IS HISTORY

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy. They were living their own lives, passing each other and offering a friendly "hello" occassionally on their journey. Until one special weekend in September, they were forced to offer each other more than just that on a loooonnnng six hour car ride home.


The boy, not at all discouraged by the awkwardness of the long car ride, decided to put himself through more of it by accepting an invitation from a friend to hangout, knowing that it was all a set up by their friends.


After the "set-up" the boy breathed in a massive breath of courage and for the first time, called the girl and asked her to hang out, just the two of them. The girl very calmly and cooly accepted, not knowing what to think.


And........as they say, "The rest is history". They were inseparable. The girl, for the first time ever, let herself fall in love. And the boy, very wisely, decided that he did not want to live without her....so he asked her to marry him....she said yes.

DAY 15: Juicy Red Pimples

      

  As the number of days until "I do" is rapidly dwindling, I am beginning to feel an explosion of mixed emotions, although I would not go so far as to define this as “STRESS!!!” just yet. Thankfully, the impending stress that is expected to come when planning a wedding has not taken over quite yet. But what do I do if, or when, it hits?

I don't know about you, but when I do get stressed, my face turns into a large pepperoni pizza; which, of course, makes me more stressed!  I have not been accustomed to the healthiest ways of relieving stress in the past, so I am taking the initiative and preparing to deal with it in a healthier manner in the future. Here are some verses that I found to comfort me as “the day”, and the anticipated increase in my stress level along with it, draws near.

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." (Psalm 9:9-10)

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." (Psalm 16:8)

"For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5)"

"Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. Discipline yourselves, keep alert. Like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour. Resist him, steadfast in your faith. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you." (1 Peter 5:7-9a,10)

DAY 17: LETS MAKE IT LEGAL!

           With the sanctity of marriage being routinely marginalized in our current societal state, there is more pressure on young Christians to remain faithful to our marriage vows and "make it work".  I have no doubt that it will take some work after a while, but I know we have every intention of not following the cultural status quo, and becoming just another number in a (cynical) statistical survey created to find the average number of Christians who end up divorced in America.
         I am so thankful that we both have our parent's marriages to use as examples. Hopefully, despite all the pressures and temptations we may confront, we will make it through and bend the “curve” of the statistical average in a positive direction.

DAY 18: THE LITTLE DETAILS

        The most important thing about that day is us. It is easy to get consumed with all the details, whether small or large, and to forget why we are getting married in the first place. When you start getting into the heavy planning and you don't even hang out anymore because you are "to busy" with your wedding.....you are in trouble.
      It is so hard to make time for everything, but it has to be done. The most important thing is keeping our relationship healthy......we are about to be married! The first couple months of being engaged, were really hard for me to balance. In the midst of all the details it is hard to stay focused on each other and the reason we are planning a wedding in the first place.
    It seems silly, we are planning our wedding, and we are neglecting "us". We neglect a lot of things when we're busy though. We plan our lives day by day without consulting or spending the right amount of time with God, we are neglecting Him. We become slightly selfish and self-absorbed; or wedding-absorbed, and our relationships are affected. Keeping a healthy balance brings a challenge, but I am finding it also brings stronger more dedicated and faithful relationships.

DAY 19: LIFE LESSONS

       Patience. Throughout this whole experience, probably one of the most frustrating, yet valuable character traits that God has chosen to teach me is patience. From beginning to end, I have learned how to deal with people and myself a little better. From having to toughen up and be a little more confrontational, to just letting things happen and hope that it all comes together. From not panicking from not receiving responses to accepting playing it by ear. From colors to centerpieces and all that is in between...I have learned the value of patience in dealing with other people and myself. Hopefully, it will be remembered in the future because I sure patience is one of the key factors I will need to remember a few years down the road when I am married for a while.